Saturday, December 10, 2005
A List of Holiday Songs I Like and Why I Like Them
I can count the number of Christmas songs I love on one hand. And it's mostly because I never hear them. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm sure if I heard them as often as I heard other songs I'd hate them with the usual fury. I thought Madonna's "Santa Baby" was cute, but if I hear it again this month I'm going to be a bad girl and steal the sable, the checks, the ring, the shiny things and hole up in the Duplex by the chimney with an AK-47.
From Christmas song I won't turn off on the radio because I like it to the song I love because I only heard it once:
5. "All I want for Christmas" by Mariah Carey.
It's got a good bouncy beat you can dance to, which most Christmas songs don't have. (Hansen had a Chrismas song with a bouncy beat, but what WERE they saying?!) I don't like to watch Mariah sing, (the sexual gyrations freak me out and make me question my sexual orientation and that freaks me out too and makes me question my taste in women) and I've never heard her sing this song, which is good, so I don't have a visual, otherwise I'd I hafta pretend it's not Mariah Carey.
4. "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses
"You mean, you forgot cranberries too?" I always thought this song was the height of hip. Ah, the '80s. This song makes me think of Christmases in junior high, and for some reason, even though I hated junior high, I seem to remember Christmases in junior high were bearable. At least I got new clothes. That was when I cared. I know they play this song a fair amount on the radio around the holidays, I just never catch it.
3. "The Little Saint Nick" a Beach Boys cover by The Muppets
The best part of this song is that Animal (the best Muppet ever) is screaming "Run, Run Reindeer!" in the background through the whole song. And at the end you can hear Zoot say "Ok, Animal, time for num nums and a nap."
2. "What do you get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)?" by Meco
It's a great song. You have to trust me. And an undiscovered Jon Bon Jovi does backup. First issued in vinyl, it took me 20 years, but I finally got the re-issued CD. (Thank you, Todd!)
1. The number one Christmas song I really love is called "The Pretty Little Dolly" and the Internet tells me it's by Mona Abboud. I don't know who she is, and I don't know where I can find it. I only heard it once on the radio, and I don't know where I can buy it. I only heard it once. I heard it on Rick Dees in the morning, and I was just checking for traffic, I don't usually listen to him. I laughed so hard I cried. I found the lyrics on the 'net (what did we do without the 'net) so here they are:
"The Pretty Little Dolly"
spoken:"Dear Santa ClausMy mommy and daddy said that if I was very good I could have whatever I wanted for ChristmasWell, I would like a DOLLY for ChristmasIt is a very special dollyI saw it advertised on televisionIn case you don't know which dolly I mean I will try to describe it to you"
The pretty little dolly can sit
The pretty little dolly can stand
She will even walk around the room
If you take her hand!
The pretty little dolly can turn
The pretty little dolly can dance
If you feed her water through a tube
She'll wet her pants!
Close to fires
She perspires
If you give her a playful squeeze
She will cough and belch and sneeze!
Oh, the pretty little dolly's so cute!
The pretty little dolly's so REAL!
If you take her out into the sun, she burns
And three days later she'll peel!
The pretty little dolly can sing
The pretty little dolly can shout
Hold her footsies high above her head
And she passes out!
The pretty little dolly can plead
The pretty little dolly can beg
And she screams in realistic pain
When you break her leg!
Heavy drinking
Gets her stinking
On her back you can turn a key
And she goes through puberty!
Oh, the pretty little dolly can wail
The pretty little dolly can cry
If you put a plastic bag around her head
She'll choke, turn purple, and DIE!
So Santa.. remember your part...
Don't break a little girl's heart...
Don't forget this Christmas the pretty little dolly
Is the present you must leave
Remember that, fat boy
BRING THAT KID if you wanna see New Year's eve!"
From Christmas song I won't turn off on the radio because I like it to the song I love because I only heard it once:
5. "All I want for Christmas" by Mariah Carey.
It's got a good bouncy beat you can dance to, which most Christmas songs don't have. (Hansen had a Chrismas song with a bouncy beat, but what WERE they saying?!) I don't like to watch Mariah sing, (the sexual gyrations freak me out and make me question my sexual orientation and that freaks me out too and makes me question my taste in women) and I've never heard her sing this song, which is good, so I don't have a visual, otherwise I'd I hafta pretend it's not Mariah Carey.
4. "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses
"You mean, you forgot cranberries too?" I always thought this song was the height of hip. Ah, the '80s. This song makes me think of Christmases in junior high, and for some reason, even though I hated junior high, I seem to remember Christmases in junior high were bearable. At least I got new clothes. That was when I cared. I know they play this song a fair amount on the radio around the holidays, I just never catch it.
3. "The Little Saint Nick" a Beach Boys cover by The Muppets
The best part of this song is that Animal (the best Muppet ever) is screaming "Run, Run Reindeer!" in the background through the whole song. And at the end you can hear Zoot say "Ok, Animal, time for num nums and a nap."
2. "What do you get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)?" by Meco
It's a great song. You have to trust me. And an undiscovered Jon Bon Jovi does backup. First issued in vinyl, it took me 20 years, but I finally got the re-issued CD. (Thank you, Todd!)
1. The number one Christmas song I really love is called "The Pretty Little Dolly" and the Internet tells me it's by Mona Abboud. I don't know who she is, and I don't know where I can find it. I only heard it once on the radio, and I don't know where I can buy it. I only heard it once. I heard it on Rick Dees in the morning, and I was just checking for traffic, I don't usually listen to him. I laughed so hard I cried. I found the lyrics on the 'net (what did we do without the 'net) so here they are:
"The Pretty Little Dolly"
spoken:"Dear Santa ClausMy mommy and daddy said that if I was very good I could have whatever I wanted for ChristmasWell, I would like a DOLLY for ChristmasIt is a very special dollyI saw it advertised on televisionIn case you don't know which dolly I mean I will try to describe it to you"
The pretty little dolly can sit
The pretty little dolly can stand
She will even walk around the room
If you take her hand!
The pretty little dolly can turn
The pretty little dolly can dance
If you feed her water through a tube
She'll wet her pants!
Close to fires
She perspires
If you give her a playful squeeze
She will cough and belch and sneeze!
Oh, the pretty little dolly's so cute!
The pretty little dolly's so REAL!
If you take her out into the sun, she burns
And three days later she'll peel!
The pretty little dolly can sing
The pretty little dolly can shout
Hold her footsies high above her head
And she passes out!
The pretty little dolly can plead
The pretty little dolly can beg
And she screams in realistic pain
When you break her leg!
Heavy drinking
Gets her stinking
On her back you can turn a key
And she goes through puberty!
Oh, the pretty little dolly can wail
The pretty little dolly can cry
If you put a plastic bag around her head
She'll choke, turn purple, and DIE!
So Santa.. remember your part...
Don't break a little girl's heart...
Don't forget this Christmas the pretty little dolly
Is the present you must leave
Remember that, fat boy
BRING THAT KID if you wanna see New Year's eve!"
